Last night I was at the “Lovers without luck” Concert by Tudor Gheorghe and let me tell you – this man is just magnificent. Every time I see him, he impresses me with his brilliance, smart connections between poetry, politics, real life and social media, but, most of all, with his own style of expressing all the deep meanings in his songs. And he simply knows how to do it!
The very brief thought that I kept having and is still in my mind even now, after the concert, is that if something is impossible to split between two, it’s not real love.
What a strong message for me and what a beautiful way to connect this with my work.
Let me show you how I can relate music with Karpman’s Triangle and why LOD is a powerful confirmation of this fact that love can be easily split in two, because it’s all about me and you at the same time and as equals.
First, we have love and as we already know from Ancient Greek, from its roots, it has four distinct ways to be defined: agápe, éros, philía, and storgē. In all of them, we see love described as something shared between two individuals.
Agápe means “love: esp. charity; the love of God for man and of man for God.
Éros means “love, mostly of the sexual passion. The Modern Greek word “erotas” means “intimate love”.
Philia means “affectionate regard, friendship,” usually “between equals.”
Storge means “love, affection” and “especially of parents and children”. It is the common or natural empathy, like that felt by parents for offspring.
Second, we have Karpman’s Triangle:
The Drama Triangle is a concept developed by Dr. Stephen Karpman whereby he explains people’ roles during periods of distress. When people find themselves in such situations, they don’t usually think clearly, which is a response to something they perceive as a threat.
Drama is what happens when people struggle against themselves and each other, with or without awareness, to feel justified about their unhealthy behavior.
The Victims find themselves in the withdrawal. They give in in order to maintain a peaceful connection. The Victim has a latent wish for change, but he doesn’t take action to make those changes happen.
The Persecutors’ response to their lack of self-confidence is blaming or attacking those feelings. What they usually do is oversimplify the problem and depersonalize the enemy. They actually create enemies out of everyone who doesn’t agree with them.
Rescuers come up with solutions, but these are not long term, because their main interest is to boost their ego by being a hero.
Self-justification is at the center of everyone’s role in the Drama Triangle. Each role wants to believe that they are right, but what they actually do, is make our world a more dangerous place to live in, as self-justification always brings long term negative concequences.
And third, we have the Leading Out of Drama method. Me and my colleagues from Next-Element, we believe that there are three sets of compassion skills. Compassionate accountability™ means engaging in positive conflict with the purpose of encouraging personal responsibility while preserving dignity.
Openness by empathizing, validating, disclosing and self-awareness
Resourcefulness by highlighting effort, gathering information, building on strengths, flexibility
Persistence by apologizing, reinforcing boundaries, following through, setting boundaries.
So, here I am, sitting after a great show and thinking how easy it is to relate something beautiful with something healthy. I can see clearly how the Compassion Cycle is teaching us about unconditional love by spreading the concept that every step we’ll have, in a short or long conversation, starts from opening oneself – with me in front of you. Then goes to resourcefulness – between me and you as equals, and then to persistence – to show responsibility as an act of mutual respect, finally ending up – I am with you, from your human being perspective. All this time it’s about you and me together, about the two of us and two can always be divided by two J.
And if you are interested to learn more about how you can create great relations visit us at DC Catalyst, or if you just need to listen to good music, try Tudor Gheorghe.